Getting Unstuck
Have you ever had a friend that avoided real conversation by resorting to silence or anger? This is because that person is stuck in a comfort zone of avoiding real issues. Getting unstuck is about identifying which conversations need to be had in order to get what you want. I do not like to be misinterpreted or misquoted, which is something that can stop me from engaging in crucial conversations. This almost always results in silence in my end, which should be avoided.
Start with the Heart
What do I really want? Not only for me, but for others and for the relationship. I would like a respectful climate between myself and teammates. It would be quite uncomfortable for me to try to dictate a group of adults and impose “my way.” In order to have an effective conversation, I must prove my willingness to be open to others’ opinions and feelings.
Learn to Look
During these crucial conversations, I need to be actively observing all of the participants including myself. I am checking body language, vocal tones and inflections, facial expressions, and overall participation. If I notice signs of withdrawal or defensiveness and emotions begin to rise, the I know to redirect the conversation towards our goals to regroup.
Make it Safe
The lesson here is maintaining mutual respect. I am not too proud to say “I apologize if I offended you, let’s take it back a step and hear your side again” and neither should the rest of the team. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that this can be difficult during a heated conversation, but at times is absolutely necessary. If the leader can show this type of maturity and humility, then teammates will be more open to expressing themselves.
Master my Story
As I mentioned earlier, potentially being misinterpreted and misquoted are two things that make me shy away from crucial conversations. It is important that I analyze my own attitude and behavior as I am having a discussion. If I find myself withdrawing, I need to think about what it was that upset me, cancel out the idea of victim and villain, and master the story in my head by focusing back on the goal at hand instead of the emotions.
State your Path
Share, tell, ask, talk, and encourage. Be persuasive, not abrasive. If persuading others is what I want to do then I need to share my facts, tell my story (share conclusion of facts with confidence ), ask for others path (listen to facts, stories, and feelings), talk tentatively (speak provisionally), and encourage testing (invite others to share their feedback).
Explore others’ Paths
Ask. Mirror. Paraphrase. Prime.
This lesson is all about getting others involved. Find agreements, build on agreements, compare disagreements.
Ask- Invite others to speak up and share their stories
Mirror-Be a mirror to safely get to the meaning behind others’ emotions
Paraphrase- Repeat what the team member said to confirm comprehension
Prime- Prime the conversation by eliminating the silence and diffusing the violence
Move to Action
The last step in the process is to transform efficient dialogue into action and producing results. We have just had a very intense conversation, why address all of these concerns if there wouldn’t be any action behind it! We will analyze our agreements, and clearly state our goals (who is doing what and by when).
References
Camp, J. (Director). (2010, November 10). Friedman's Theory of Differentiated Leadership Made Simple [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-Ew&feature=youtu.be
Crucial Conversations Explained in 2 Minutes [Video file]. (2012, February 10). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixEI4_2Xivw&feature=youtu.be
Patterson, K. (Director). (2015, August 20). Video Review for Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFaXx3pgaxM
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. New York: McGraw-Hill.
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